FullaBella님의 저널, 2014년 11월 20일

Reflection this morning: is this ((the death and grief)) something for which I’ve been preparing via the challenges life has given me or is the present preparing me for even more?

Alec, my Beta, my warrior Siamese fighting fish, died yesterday. I’ve always loved Fall but my perception of ‘Autumn’ is shifting from ‘clean air, crisp cool days, new school year, a beginning of greater days to come’ to more of .. ‘an ending’. It’s beginning to feel like purgatory.

But that’s okay. I shall smile through this and look forward to better changes and brave the challenges.

Food and eating is going okay even as I experiment with different recipes for the upcoming holidays. A cup of vegetable soup for breakfast yesterday, followed by the other half of ceviche leftover from Tuesday for lunch and taste testing a ‘buffalo monkey bread’ last night. Apple for bedtime snack. MacIntosh are my favorites. Getting in plenty of water as I attempt to flush out … well.. whatever needs to be flushed out. Fell asleep imagining the bread recipe with different sauces. A variety on the visions of sugar plums dancing in my head I suppose.

I’m crying daily; several times a day at the drop of a hat. I imagine some of the weight regain this past few months is, in addition to playing pretty fast & loose with sugar and other tasty delights, the result of me stuffing down sadness. Without the daily replenishing of too much food my emotions are raw and bare. I’m feeling things so much more personally. Staring deep into the eyes of people sitting across me and feeling their sadness as well.

I want so much to be the kind of person that lifts them up; allows them to walk away from me feeling lighter and happier. But lightheartedness and jokes seem inappropriate right now. Their eyes seem to reflect the need to feel this sadness right now. Maybe they are just mirroring me.

Bells

PS - yes, I do love that you take time out of your busy days to visit with me and comment on my journal. I know I’m sad right now. I apologize. Thank you for your love, support and patience. I’ll find Bella-Light again soon. Maybe today. Yoga tonight; maybe it'll release me from this turmoil.

16명이 응원합니다 응원하기

Take your time. We're not going anywhere .

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: Char60

My heart is breaking for you! Keep writing your thoughts - it helps. The sadness will fade, although the grief will be strong for a long time. My prayers are with you.

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: jenalena

Sorry about your little fish. Happier time to come.

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: unamoyer

Thank you for sharing. I think we all feel with and for you. Be kind to yourself.

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: br_e_co

Sweet Angel, I'm sure the upcoming holidays and memorial are a factor in your sadness. I know you know that this too shall pass and is part of the grieving process, which may continue for quite some time. I love that you are letting yourself feel the feelings. We have such a long-standing habit of eating our emotions instead, so pat yourself on the back, big time, for that! And feel the hug i gave us both from your great post! xoxox

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: Ruhu

while we don't know each other in person, the support on this site and the friends i've made mean so much to me. and i'm blessed to be able to provide support to you when you need it. and bella, you are in my thoughts during this difficult time. keep writing and know that we're all here for you.

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: berley1

Thank you all. I appreciate you accepting me thru this time... well, all of it actually. The manic as well as the depressive. My outlook calendar reminder popped up - going to the Adolphus for High Tea in a couple of weeks. Finally, something to look forward to as I navigate thru this next week of sad reminders. One day at a time, right?

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: FullaBella

<3 Sending you all my support, Bella. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, and have gone through, but I know that when emotions feel very raw and exposed, it means that your mind and body are aching to get them out. Stuffing them back in is disastrous. Finding productive, soothing, cathartic methods of expression seems key right now. Writing is one way. Are you still painting? That could play a big role in recovery as well. You have a ton of people who love and support you, we're always here for you :)

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: PepperMill

There'd be no flowers or rainbows if it weren't for the rain.

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: mgrill

Haven't painted for a couple of weeks.. I had created some interesting lighted stained glass paintings but am having trouble sitting still in front of the canvas. Being lost in the quiet thoughts of my mind are too hard right now.

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: FullaBella

My hope is that while you go through this painful time of the year, that exposes wounds afresh that you attempt to scatter it with the good that you have in your life. You are stronger than you think and you will be happy again. Take care my dear.

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: Josie Ann

I feel your sadness ((Hugs)). One day at a time, dear Bella. This is a hard time of year for so many people. So sorry about your Alec. Betas are very beautiful, an elegant fish, even if they feel the need to fight. I loved the ones I used to have. Cried my eyes out when any of my pets died. My pets were a part of my family. Please keep giving yourself hugs and giving Mushy hugs. Your Mushy will help you get through your rough patches more than most people can. Your Mushy needs you too!

2014년 11월 20일 작성이: kattay

What if we think about grief like yoga poses and we try to rest in it even if the stretch stings??

2014년 11월 21일 작성이: sharonfriz

No need to apologize for being who you really are - though I understand the desire to do so. You are loved and lovable.

2014년 11월 23일 작성이: Sweet Ce

So sorry to hear about Alec. This is a very tough time of year with the holidays and missing loved ones, especially ones that haven't been gone very long. A good cry could help get out some more of the grief. Take care of yourself and remember we're all here for you

2014년 11월 24일 작성이: SJacqueline

Oh dear! (((((hugs))))) and prayers. I know this is a tough time for you. We are all here for you.

2014년 11월 24일 작성이: kclab

Bella, your trip to San Antonio was for you. The Memorial you have been planning is for other people. If this is just too stressful for you, someone else should take care of all the details, so you only need to attend and tell people, Thank you for coming. Let others do something for you. Delegate my dear!

2014년 12월 1일 작성이: Deb_N

Miss u

2014년 12월 1일 작성이: sharonfriz

Hey there pretty lady, just wanted to stop in and let you know I'm thinking about you. ((Hugs))

2014년 12월 2일 작성이: Annabelle3117


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