FullaBella님의 저널, 2014년 12월 2일

Physically, mentally and emotionally depleted. And sick. That’s how I began my Monday and December. I’m still here and apologize if being away so long concerned anyone.

The Memorial was nice; several compliments (although, who would have criticized?) There were over 70 people in attendance. As I opened the ceremony I joked ‘I can just hear Cutty now..’Been gone a year, can still pack a room”. I noted yesterday ‘he’s been gone a year and still gets more mail than me.’

Thanksgiving day went well too; we fed about 50 people and still had enough food left over for at least that many more; I’d hauled everything but the kitchen sink down to the Money Pit (where we served) including the foodsaver - that came in handy. I didn’t keep any of it so Blondie’s crew should eat well for at least a month.

Friday it all caved in on me. The exhale of ‘whew, it’s finally all over’ was quickly replaced with ‘now what?’ The Memorial made it all fresh again; this feeling of loss, pain, uncertainty and sadness. I feel as if I’m right back where I was a year ago but the timing is off. I don’t feel people around me in real life will understand or give me the ‘widow’s wide berth’ as it’s a year later and I am expected to have moved on. I know this is all in my head; I’m the one imposing a timeline on grieving.

Regardless, I’m hurting. I tried to do a few things but mostly slept or zoned out on a movie; some because of depression, some physiological from being sick. I have a doctor appointment this morning; hopefully she’ll give me some antibiotics. I’m not a fan of those but I know this bronchial infection won’t go away untreated.

How is this affecting ‘all things food & health’? Some moments of mindlessness and a couple of unhealthy overeating binges. Otherwise hanging on with fingernails gripping the tools I can remember and scratching for that ‘thing’ that I had a year ago as I chant off of the mantras and breathe. I feel in some ways I’m doing well considering I still have a pantry full of every conceivable bakery item enabling me to whip up a batch of cookies, candies, cakes & pies (but haven’t). Right now nothing really has any taste to me so I find myself grazing for ‘something’ but discard it after a couple of disappointing bites. Even coffee doesn’t taste good; it’s just that bad.

Now what? I’ve had reservations for ‘O’ Christmas Teas’ at the Adolphus for two months; that’s tomorrow. I’m taking Grace, BCF, Yoga and a new friend whom I’ve yet to nickname but she came into my shop about a month ago and could have been telling ‘my’ story it was so similar. This is my Christmas gift to my friends. I hope I’m feeling better; I have to whether I want to or not as I organized it but don’t want to be an incubus of infection for the others in the car. Maybe sans the ability to taste anything will help me avoid overeating at the tea.

I have been reading your journals via the email notifications but am going to ask for a pass of forgiveness this time for not commenting. I am really trying to move forward week without looking in the rearview mirror. Another blow to my sanity Friday was realizing I’d double booked myself on a couple of events coming up next year. Or, as I joked “I’ve forgotten how to calendar.” But privately - that shook me and made me feel unsteady as I wonder what else I’ve missed.

So I’m mopping up my life again. And again. I’ll skip the Titanic reference; too easy.

Take care. Be good to yourselves. I’m going to try to do the same.

Bella