I've reflected on this before but it visited me again last night. I'm referring to the scene in the movie
28 Days when the person asks about forming relationships once they've left the treatment center and are instructed to
'Get a plant. If you keep a plant alive one year, get a dog. If at the end of two years if they are both alive, you can think about having a relationship.'Politically correct or not, I feel the same about this period of being a widow as it seems to yield a similar reaction of sobriety for me. I'm getting better about living fully in the moment rather than being distracted by the turmoil of illness that surrounded me for so many years.
I began recognizing EVERY time I sit down with food, my laptop, or a nice relaxing cup of coffee, suddenly, Mushy wants my attention. Not companionship. Not hop in the chair as she usually does. Rather, she acts like she wants to go out to potty or grabs a toy to play, etc. But when I put 'my thing' down, she'll ignore me and play with one of her chewies.
It's a power play, isn't it?
Yes, I love my dog - everyone knows that. But I am learning right now, I have to love myself more; actually, the most. And I'm struggling as I regain the 'alpha' role in this home to avoid the feeling of guilt and over compensation. Last night I decided it was time to make her wait. And ignore Sarah McLaughlin's singing in my head.
If a relationship were happening in my life, I'd probably not have noticed it. I'd have just 'dealt with' the feelings of frustrations because *I* allow it. I allow someone, something, even that little furry fluff of love, to control me. I give up the control because I ... what... don't think I can handle it? Don't want to exert it? Want someone else in charge? What's going on that I give away the very thing I eventually rage against?
No, not rage at the dog. Never. But inner rage of frustration because I can't maintain my inspiration when painting or finish a movie. Outer dialogue of blame of guilt, 'Oh sure, of course NOW you want to go out... nothing new here...' and then finally recognizing it was happening because I was allowing it.
For whatever reason, however it happened, little by little, I lost my title of Queen of Bellawood. And it's time to regain it.
So it's a good thing I have the plants and the dog right now. Reminders of how to behave and protect me. Challenges to keep things alive without letting them become my whole life or little by little kill 'me'. Finding the balance. While I do seem to have a green thumb I have had my share of garden sacrifices where I picked a flower or plant on impulse rather than read to discover it's ideal environment as well as how to plan for the perennials.
I think that's why the plant has to live a 'year' so we in recovery can experience it all four seasons. Get thru the holidays, the winters, and all of the celebrations and still have Fido and the Ficus.
Other than that ~ auction last night. I bought and absolutely love this; it just seemed to scream my name and define the me I am trying to find. This is my first furniture purchase alone.
After all, the counselor never said anything about furniture.
Hope you're having a good day in your world.
Bella
