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Friday - March 7th. This week went by in a blink for me! I haven't checked Bren's journal for the 'hour countdown' yet but I do hope she manages to find a way to slow the spin of the universe once Spring does arrive; maybe give each 'hour' an extra 30 minutes and deduct it from the Winter days. Something akin to what we do with 'All Things Food' - eat a little less before and after a big meal to balance it all out by the end of the week.
More ATF yesterday (hmmm... I think that acronym has been taken, uh oh) - tuna & pickles for lunch after a morning of bullet proof coffee. Salmon and Mediterranian vegetables with sun dried tomato bruschetta for dinner. Two fresh oranges (sooo good!) and my precious oatmeal for bedtime snack. Five days no PB&J and I'm starting to crave sweets less.
I think the oranges had me a bit on sugar overload as I woke two hours after going to bed and had a heated flour tortilla with melted cheese and fresh spinach snack. I recognized the only fruit I get into my recommended daily is raisins in the oatmeal and the occasional tomato (yes, it's a fruit). Will give more thought to that to 'have my fruit and still sleep too.'
Earlier this week I was reflecting on the summary of my days lately wherein I react, 'well, that was easy' and find it surprising. Has my life been that challenging and forced for so many years that anything else feels so rare it elicits questioning or doubt? Or did my approach and outlook change for the better and life is now as it was meant to be? I don't know.. I just know I really enjoy it.
Another recognition this morning: my comfortableness with food now. For a long time I've had the mantra 'Food is My Friend, I just have to choose my Friends Wisely' in my toolbox and it's finally taken a good grip. I'd equate that mantra to the monkey wrench of tools. Probably because it's one of the few tools I could name and I like that term 'monkey' as it leaves much room for mental exploration. Used correctly it is a flexible tool for many jobs; used incorrectly ... well, it'll make a monkey of me, right?
On my recent trip for the trade show, 'food' was at the bottom of my thoughts. I didn't sweat 'oh no, I'm going to be on the road, away from home, temptations and restaurants and chilled snickers being wheeled by... what will I do?' I didn't feel like I was having to restrict anything I really wanted or fall asleep thinking 'Gah... I blew it at dinner with all that mindless over eating but I hate wasting that money by not eating it all'. I didn't spend hours online trying to figure out the menu at a specific restaurant to know that I could 'fit those calories in my RDI'.
I'm not judging those of you who do. I DID do this for a year. I studied food content, calories, nutrition, carbs, fats, and sugar as if I were cramming for SAT's. I backed that up with measuring, weighing, finding comparable units to use when I didn't have a scale with me. I became a walking, talking encyclopedia of food facts for when I couldn't be around a FS or internet look up. And it worked. How do I know it worked?
Because I stopped recording my food about nine months ago and I've maintained my weight. Sure.. I'd LOVE to lose this last bit of weight. I finally find myself at the same place 'most' of you are - 'oh, if I could just lose 15lbs...'
At nearly 300lbs... I didn't have that thought. It was 'Gosh, I need to lose 150lbs'... and for those of you who've been 'there' with me too, well, you can identify with the feeling. And then another group of you who've done it along side me, lost a huge amount of weight so far, now you find yourselves where I am ... back to being the norm of taking off that final 15lbs or so.
And I will. Or I won't. If I can reach my two year mark (Aug 25th) and still be this weight, I'll be quite happy to have maintained rather than falling off the wagon at 18mos as I have so many times in the past with this process. I'd be deliriously happy, of course, to be ten pounds lighter as long as I am still healing my disordered eating and Eating What I Love.
Regardless, it occurred to me as I continue to plan my April vacation that 'food' never entered into my thoughts where in the past it would have been on the forefront. What to eat, where to eat, plan, check and double check. I'd have been thinking 'oh no... there'll be outdoor restaurants and food smells and more ... how will I survive?'
And, of course, at 300lbs I didn't enjoy eating in public because I felt every eye was on me judging me 'well, look at her eat, no wonder she's so fat.' And those times I'd lost the weight with disordered restrictive eating, I didn't enjoy it either because I'd stare at the food thinking 'can't have that... ugh.. well, I just blew it.. may as well have it all... I'll just go throw it up later...' and I'd spend the evening laying on the bathroom floor in pain.
Not this time. When Amtrak told me they'd bring a menu to my room and I'd get to order.. I didn't even think to ask 'What are the choices? Will I need to bring MY own safe, healthy WOE food instead? Will this be the trip that derails my eating?' (get it, derailed on a train, LOL)
Instead, I invested my free time yesterday changing my hotel. I decided the Omni looked nice but preferred something with a little less 'chain' and a little more 'local flavor'. It was more expensive but at least when I look back on this memory I'll be able to distinguish it specifically. I also looked into taking a helicopter tour: another first. Trains & helicopters. Not once did I think about food.
I know to remember the EWYL big three: What do I want? What do I have? What do I need? And I'll incorporate that into mindful eating of portions. It's a slow learned process. But it's truly set in my subconscious when travel doesn't make me sweat the 'meals'. Baby steps toward becoming a truly healthy minded adult.
Our little girl is growing up, LOL.
Have a great Friday my friends.
Bells
PS - rarely do I jump ahead in the Journey to the Heart - this morning was by accident. Loved it though as I've been having really weird sleep dreams. So, sharing along with my friends who feel, as I often do, that this book was written 'just for me'. See how alike we all are, regardless of the 'outer appearance', hmmm?
March 8 - Your Dreams Are Important
A woman told me about a dream she had, one that was bothering her deeply. “What do you think it means?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “Besides, it doesn’t matter what I think. The important thing is what you think. What’s it telling you?”
We dream two kinds of dreams— waking dreams and sleeping dreams. Both are powerful forms of consciousness. Our sleeping dreams, the images that dance in our minds while we sleep, hold many clues to life, growth, the future, the past, healing, and our connections with others. They may reveal suppressed emotions. They may be bits and pieces of prophecy. They may be symbols of truths we’re about to learn.
Our waking dreams are important, too. We go about daily with our expectations, wants, desires, hopes— our heart’s plan for the future. We may not express these dreams. We may not even realize we are superimposing them on our lives, much the same way we can forget what we dream when we sleep.
There’s power in allowing ourselves to become conscious of our dreams. What are our dreams telling us about what we want, fear, hope for, desire?
Expressing our dreams will connect us to our consciousness and a higher consciousness. Expressing them will connect us to the creative force. Tapping into our dreams helps us tap into creativity— creativity for our lives, creativity for projects, the powerful creative force of the universe.
There’s power in dreaming, whether we’re asleep or awake. Take time to honor and express your dreams.
Beattie, Melody (2013-04-30). Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul (p. 68). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
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