FullaBella님의 저널, 2020년 05월 14일

Hi Bella, I know it’s tough but please hang in there. To me , it’s about when life kicks you down, when people crap on you, when you cry till you can’t anymore, and then you realize that you are strong, faithful in your endeavors,love life’s ups and downs,all because that’s what it’s all about. You RISE up !!!!! And start again, the joy of moments will come again, and you will see how precious everything and everyone is. Then you bounce back. But this time you have grown as a person and a spirit. In order for real change to happen, we must feel uncomfortable. So go ahead and feel it all, because you are growing as a person ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🌸🌸🌸🌸💗💗💗💗🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 

I'm glad you are here, Bella. ❤️ Things are rough... The last months have really tested us a lot. Aside from the obvious stresses connected to corona, I have some really big deal issues that threaten to drown out my joy. I am fighting the feeling of depression creeping in every day. I can't fix the hurts I see, and it is killing me inside sometimes. Daily it helps me to connect here... With strangers who have become something like friends, because they get what it can mean to try to numb the feelings with food. One step at a time we trudge this road...  

I’m sorry you are depressed. Depression sucks! I personally do what I do because I don’t like change and it’s something I can do for myself. I workout so I can eat more food and eventually have a ton of muscle hopefully. I find I have a hard time breaking habits and logging and weighing my food is now a big habit for me. I also love information and by logging everything and taking pics I can see how I’m changing and use that data to tweak things. Perhaps it would help you to come back more often for the social aspect? That might help relieve the depression you are feeling. Once that becomes a habit again you can work on other things you think would help. :) 

Things are so weird right now. I'm finding just the little routines help me. Like others, being here is routine, logging food and the social part of it all. Going to work every day. I'm striving to be positive in the face of the abnormal, I know how easy it is to go down the hole of depression. I understand the whole meh thing but then I think of all the progress I've made and don't want to lose. I hope your manic/depressive eases. You're a fabulous and strong person.  

For those of us who live alone, this isolation has a different quality. Yes, I talk to family and friends on the phone, but I can't call them every day just to chat, and so, most of the time I don't talk. Silence. If I laugh at something, I laugh alone. I live in an apartment complex and many families around me have children, so when I sit on my balcony, I hear them talking and laughing together. Of course, I was living alone before all this, but I was getting together with family and friends, I was stopping by the management office for various reasons and chatting with staff, I was dining in restaurants, going to events around town, interacting with friends and strangers. Where I live, it is not uncommon to strike up conversations with strangers. So, isolation is quiet for long periods of time. Like you, Bella, I am very grateful for all that I have, and I'm not complaining, I'm just stating the facts. Life has become very quiet. Silence. 

Sigh, it's so very weird and I'm not willing to accept it as normal. I find I'm texting with more people more often, so that's good. Still hate long phone calls. Work is the same and it's crazy busy, so that way I do actually know what day of the week it is, it's November, right? I'm keeping myself busy with projects and making new routines and I'm trying to not allow myself to wallow. I've got some good friends I check in with. It's a challenge. I do make sure to get outside and move, I've been coordinating with friends for acceptable distancing activities. I'm worried about a lot of things I don't verbalize because it doesn't do any good.  

I’ve always believe that in every situation, it can either make us or break us. We can’t control what the virus is doing or the government but we can control how we react to situations. I, for one, panicked in the first week. As the days go by, it has gotten better and doing all I can to cope with it. I know it’s a strange time for all of us but I’m grateful for the silence so I can examine myself and reset goals. I expect that once retired, life would be somewhat similar to this. I’m grateful for this much needed time to rejuvenate. I feel like we’re always on the go and don’t stop to see how we’re really doing once the noise is taken away. I have turned to painting, reading and playing the piano. Workload is less these days so less stress on that. I hope that you can somewhat find a way to cope through these challenging times by doing something that you love, doing something that makes you happy even when you’re by yourself. 

For me- it started off like- Oh- this is good for the environment and everyone will slow down and appreciate life. I'm going to send out little cards to friends- organize the house more-board games with the kids. Fast forward 2 weeks...reality starts setting in. I miss church. I miss the gym. I never had a huge social life but I miss putzing around little stores and shops. Mostly I am worried about my kids. I haven't even let them go to the grocery store with me and it is taking a toll. Weight loss is a worry- but kinda low on the totem pole. I only talk about it more because it's a weight loss app. Overall I am completely over it yet constantly reminded of how much better off we are in my house than other people. Not having my daughter's softball games and seeing all the videos on facebook memories of her hits and awesome plays on the field just kills me. And that makes me feel like a whiny brat- People are starving and dying and being abused in close quarters. I am constantly wavering between self pity and gratitude. I have my family with me and though we are stuck together right now- at least the weather is warming. Hang in there, Bella! Stay strong, Shir! 💗💗💗 

Eating bad food makes me grumpy. And I dont like being grumpy😂 

Seriously though, I felt like I was too strong of a person to be controlled by food. It just seemed ridiculous.  

Good morning Bella, hope you are feeling better today🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💗💗💗💗🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸 

More reason to move out of cities. We left years ago...Wide open sparkling fresh and lovely day here. Yard chickens are so cool. The Democrats want to keep everyone in a cage. I just laugh at them.  

Wow. Just... wow. You folks are all so very amazing and inspiring. Please know I'm not 'sad & depressed' .. I'm okay. I see a lot of myself in your comments. Like Shir - I was alone before this happened but I DID go to restaurants, theater, shopping with my friends so it was a nice balance. I'm comfortable with myself and have recognized how many times it would be (IMO) HARDER to have been in isolation with someone else, well, esp Cutty with his respiratory issues and 24 hour news channels. He'd have been a madman. I also think being isolated with children & witnessing their world get very tiny overnight (no school, no sports, the threat of no graduation not to mention having to suddenly be the home school teacher) would have VERY hard too. That's why I typed GRATEFUL in full caps twice. I also think about people living in BIG cities in tiny apartments without a back yard (like I had to keep me busy) and being cooped up even with windows that don't open (some buildings) and I have empathy for them. I'm not unGRATEFUL. Not one bit.  

As I found myself slipping back into the old ways and letting food control, amuse, occupy and affect me - I just began trying to figure out the balance of 'that' with what is about to become, sadly, a new world NORMAL. I could tell myself 'hey, flexible dieting means you hold it all together during the week so you can enjoy a guiltless meal at a posh restaurant on the weekend.' OR 'hey, you want to be healthy so that you don't have to go to the doctor as much' ---- and THAT one got skewed when we couldn't go to the doctor, period, regardless of health unless we had the UNOWHAT. And looking back at the other NSV's over the past year ala 'fitting into theater chairs' and 'feeling better about my reflection in department store windows' and being able to walk around large places & visit without being tired or needing to sit & rest' all seemed to get swept away with a 'what does it freaking matter now?' 

FullaBella, I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. You are definitely not alone in that, but it is still hard and feels lonely. One good thing these days is that this virus situation happened with the weather warming up. I hope you're able to get outside a lot and be in the sun...the Vitamin D is very important and helpful. The brain is a powerful thing. An old friend once told me "when a thought comes in, say "nope!" and declare "I'm going to move on with my life with this thought or without it" and sometimes when I think of that it helps me. God is with you and watching over you and I hope you feel better in time 💛 

I was trying to remember the 'why' when I did the HealthyBella 9.0 in Dec18... that was blood sugar and the threat of health. Throughout all of this I did randomly check my blood sugar and it was holding normal. I'm totally GRATEFUL for that but it didn't give the 'hey, get your act together' result I'd expected. But still, that's a good thing. NOW I just need to shift my thoughts into 'you wanna keep that good number, right?' I want to rediscover that same 'fervor' of when it's new & I'm gung ho. I want to move away from THIS 'new normal' of waking every morning saying 'okay, today, we do better' but it all falls apart by 8pm. Today... we do better. Yep. Today.  

I know I'm rambling away on my own journal comments ~ I'm just trying to work this out and seeing my thoughts in print somehow helps me. I laughed several times as I reflected on my 'aha' moment a while back that losing this weight and keeping it off forEVER was a lot like the movie 'ground hog day' - I just keep doing it over & over until I get it right, really right vs fake right, and be released from the repeat. But then we spiraled into the lockdown & every freaking day was ground hog day. It was like a huge cosmic joke saying 'haha B - deal with THIS now'. I know, I know... not just ME. But that was something else that kept playing thru my thoughts. 

#1 - You are NOT alone in these feelings. #2 - It's okay to question the Why of everything. #3 - Your honesty in sharing all this inspires many of us. #4 YOU ARE SO WORTH IT! You are Valued. #5 - this new normal sucks big time. But.... we gotta keep going each and every day, placing one foot in front of each other because life, and you, matter. ((((((hugs)))))) and we will get through this.  

Thank you. I appreciate all of everyone's feedback and support. You are all very valuable to me too. I think maybe that's part of it.. why I stop showing up here as often.. I get busy.. want to feel I don't need support..something. Not sure what. But I know I do feel better about trying to maintain SOME sense of order in eating when I visit here. I went to bed last night thinking 'yeah, you've really rolled into the gutter' when I had to recognize I'd eaten an entire large supreme pizza yesterday. Sure, that was 'all' that I ate and there's nothing wrong with pizza. But to have eaten the whole thing.. took me right back to the old days and I know if I DON'T turn this around.. I'm going to be right back at my old weight too with all of the health issues that brings. 

For me the biggest pain is not being able to see my kids & grandkids. It does literally hurt sometimes. Talking on the phone helps, but it will never beat in-person. And the next biggest pain is the financial result of all this - I've mentioned I'm being furloughed for a month starting next Friday. Financially my hubby & I will be okay, and things are starting to open up in OKC. My gym is open, now I just need to get my butt down there! I'll have lots of time, won't I? One thing I've found is that since I'm cooking more at home (time, again) I've really been able to stick with the diet (that is, when hubby doesn't buy tons of junk food. Grapes, Ron, buy grapes!), & have managed to lose another 3-4 lbs. I am GRATEFUL that my kids & grandkids are okay. I am GRATEFUL that hubby & I are in a good place financially so the furlough won't hurt too much. I'm also GRATEFUL that the University I work at isn't laying people off & will not be closing its doors. I'm trying to see the furlough as a test run for what retirement will be like, since I keep talking about retiring in a couple of years. Hopefully I won't spend all my time watching TV (though I fully intend to watch "The Mandalorian" finally!). I've got my hobbies - guitar playing, writing & crocheting. Hang in there, hopefully this thing will wind down in your area real soon!