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The main thing I know about horses is you never put the marching band behind them when you're lining up a parade. However, if I were to wager on today's Kentucky Derby I'd pick #9 Overanalyze and #10 Palace Malice as those two have made their stable in my life all week.
Conclusion of nearly a week of turmoiled thoughts? 'I just don't freaking know.'
I'm feeling conflicted this week about my food, calories and approach. All of it. I don't know why. I'd like to blame hormones for my paranoia. I suspect the entire food industry of participating in a secret conspiracy to kill us yet the preservatives in our food are keeping us alive long enough to fund social security. The more I learn about food the worse I feel; it's as if the deck is so stacked we don't stand a chance. I'd probably have better odds in Vegas.
Because of my shaken confidence, rather than celebrating my weight loss I'm ducking people and camouflaging hoping no more people will notice and comment. Why? Because I have been a failure so many times. I just don't want to endure yet another screwup in my public life. I'll confess my weakness here; I can't bare the scrutiny without a computer filter.
With that recognition I decided to protect myself and go into maintenance mode for a while. My goal is not try to lose, just try to not gain while I continue to work on the emotional part of this more. That only yielded feeling overfull and getting sick on Thursday because I ate so much my stomach hurt.
For the first time in nearly 8 months I had a slice of pizza today. Not the whole slice - just the cheese & pepperoni; I licked the tomato sauce off the crust but didn't dare bite. I don't trust myself with 'bread, dough, rolls, buns, crackers and other such type products.'
I went through this before. This THING of being led around by an invisible leash and commanded what I should and shouldn't eat for years. Only for several decades the hoodlum was 'fat'. Low fat, no fat, yep, that's the way to eat. Fat is bad. All fat. So lay in the 'fat free' food and go forth and sin no more.
Then it became 'oh, no simple carbs either because they convert to sugar and then that converts to fat; those chinese crackers are bad for you.'
This go around, I read and researched coconut oil because it seems it does just about everything but file your taxes and teach you how to parallel park but when I saw 'saturated fat' on it you'd have thought a mouse crawled across my hand. I 'eeked' and tossed it in the drawer.
It took me two months to decide to give it a shot. And 90 days later, my lab results proved it wasn't hurting at all; in fact, it was, along with everything else I'm doing, helping. So no more avoiding real butter, real mayo, fresh avocado or peanut butter either.
Carbs still get a lot of bad press. Opinions vary but some yield: good for energy; bad for weight loss. Carbs just make you crave more carbs. The carbs in vegetables are acceptable but the carbs in fruit should be limited. Oh, it's summer and the fresh fruit is everywhere? Get over it.
But now - it's bread. Wheat. Gluten. Yeah, that's the bad food now. Don't believe me? Google or pick up a magazine.
For me, though, is it real or imagined? Does wheat REALLY set me off to a feeding frenzy or am I just telling myself it does because that's the latest on the 'What Not to Eat'list.
It makes me wonder if Mrs. Baird's contract with the Pope ran out. You know.. the part where we pray 'give us this day our daily bread?' Hmm... it's as if someone didn't get paid.
Last Saturday I had bread on my sandwich; probably the first bread I'd had in months.
Then I had to have three cookies. Then I had to have leftover KFC mashed potatoes and Mac&Cheese at midnight. The cravings were real and I lacked the strength to be in charge of the decision making process.
Sunday I decided to get back to basics with Oatmeal and that too seems to result in turning on the 'feed me' switch. And with that came the self doubt and shaken confidence wondering 'what the heck is going on here?'
I'm frustrated because this is the result of decades of food trickery. I understand the 'bread' of today isn't the 'bread of 20 years ago when that food pyramid was created.' Hence my paranoia.
What's the answer? I just don't know. Here's what I do know:
1) I definitely FEEL I have a good hold on 'how much to eat at one feeding.' My stomach just won't tolerate being stuffed anymore. Getting sick from eating too much 'this' time wasn't like when I would binge eat in the past because I 'planned' on throwing it up. It hurt. I'm not so SURE about the part of me that seems more comfortable always feeling 'a little hungry' and if that is the true sensation of 'not being hungry'. Another shaky recognition. What will I do on days when my stomach rumbles constantly but hurts when fed?
2) I just don't trust bread. Real or imagined I'm not handling it well. It's probably higher on my list of 'What not to Eat' than Lindor truffles. When I walked to the Farmer's Market this morning I found no Farmers. They were actually doing one of those 'Taste of May' things and the new local bakery was the only business set up when I arrived. Wonderful catalog. Delightful combinations. Yet, I just wouldn't or couldn't trust myself to have a sample of ANYthing. I'm proud that I didn't rationalize it with 'well, you walked all the way down here and you'll walk all the way back and this is the first time you've walked here in YEARS and it's only a small bite'. I'm not so proud that I don't feel confident with a sample of cake.
3) I don't miss the greasy taste of pizza anywhere near what I thought I would after 8 months but that again could be because I skipped the crust. I'm sitting here a half hour later and have no craving for anymore of it. On the other hand I am dining out this evening with my friend - the new Italian place in town. Now I just have to tell myself the avoiding cake this morning and crust this afternoon do NOT add up to 'anything goes' for dinner if I want to wake in the morning with a shred of self confidence.
4) I don't think oatmeal works for me anymore either. I may write 'Oat Belly' and throw in my personal experiences. I have no delusions I'm unique. Maybe the Quaker Oats folks are cooking the books on their ingredients too. When I have my usual veggie / meat type breakfast I'm rarely hungry again for 6 hours. A bowl of oats with chia, flax, berries and yogurt for breakfast resulted in feeling hungry again within four hours. Three days in a row.
That's all I've got. Thank you for reading.
Bella
다이어트 캘린더 보기, 2013년 05월 4일:
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1907 kcal
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지방: 99.10g | 단백질: 134.00g | 탄수화물: 127.87g.
아침 식사: Onions, Baby Spinach, StarKist Foods White Albacore Tuna in Water. 점심 식사: Tilapia (Fish), Mussels with Tomato-Based Sauce (Mixture), Publix Jumbo Shrimp, Cheddar Cheese, Pepperoni. 저녁 식사: Deli Turkey or Chicken Breast Meat, Gouda Cheese, Tortilla, Oreo Double Stuf Sandwich Cookies, Smucker's Natural Creamy Peanut Butter. 간식/기타: Pistachio Nuts, Schwan's Triple Berry Blend, Cottage Cheese, Spectrum Chia Seeds. 더보기
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 댓글
Well, we are in very similar places on a few fronts! The hiding from people, comments. I think we do it for different reasons, but still the same. I don’t want to be seen cause I am still 30 pounds more than when my friends/acquaintances met me, and at a new years party, no one recognized me and I really had to re-introduce myself,… then I thought they were just being polite instead of asking what the heck went wrong with me, or worse, they pretended not to remember me cause they didn‘t like me or were grossed out by me…… UG… But you are losing weight, and are out and about, it is a shame you want to hide and don’t want to trust yourself this time. I wonder why, really. I read what you said, but why do we think we are going to fail when you are succeeding! I ask myself why all the time. SECOND THING: the food conspiracy. I am sure you saw my post a few days back about the elimination diet and all the added crap in foods. I use to think people who followed that stuff (you know, the granola babies), were crazy. Then, something hit me, I did probably just as much research if not more than you did on the coconut oil and food additives. AND what about coconut oil… When I took college nutrition in the last 10 years, it was total saturated fat to be avoided. What do the scientists really know… Global warming? Ice age? I understand your frustration. I have some in my house and I think it is FINE. It is pure, no preservatives, FINE! NOW, the GLUTEN,,,,, I think it is bad for you ONLY if it bothers you and the only way to really know if it bothers you is to go on the elimination diet which is a challenge. I am going to start it in a few days. I really see no reason eliminating food just cause it is a fad. Oatmeal is NOT in my diet. Any time I have it in the house, I eat it all, and it just makes me drag all day and want more sugar/stuff. You my dear, are spot on with all your senses, trust them. Follow what your body is telling you, because it IS telling you how to eat. Isn’t that great! One thing we all must not do, is go off a so called “diet” , a stall, to eat pizza again, fries, cookies… maintenance is going to be forever, and forever doesn’t include the trigger foods that got us here until we have a PhD in ourselves. Maintenance does mean we can eat more, and eat maybe some healthy sauces that have more calories but good ingredients, have a second piece of fruit later in the day vs. one or none, have avocado dip, cause it is so good. But we can’t eat much more. It doesn’t take much to quickly go over our RDI. We can’t go back to old foods to maintain our weight because it is just going to make our bodies scream more. You really do have a much better handle on the whole thing than you realize, you are putting the pieces together. One thing I did when I was leveling off and wanted more food, I went to the recipes and started to get creative, some of the foods that are light are so good. Lemon chicken, etc. They were new to me. For the new me. New you. But you already knew all this stuff. I love your journals.
2013년 05월 4일 작성이: Lizzygracemusic
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When you wrote about the food industry conspiracy I had a brief flashback to that old 70's movie, Soylant Green (I think Charlton Heston starred in it). It's set in the future and the planet is dying and the food supply is mostly manufactured stuff because there are no plants and crops growing. And it turns out the newest food, Soylant Green, is this little green wafer "they say" is made from plankton - turns out it's made from PEOPLE. Anyway, if you've already seen it, sorry for the rehash. But seeing that movie some 40 years ago at an impressionable age, I have often questions what's REALLY in the food we buy, especially the processed stuff. I am extremely paranoid about regaining the weight I've lost, too. I've gone through the shame of regaining large chunks of weight (ranging from 50 to 80 pounds or so) several times as well so I am all too familiar with how awful it is to fail in such a public way. An alcoholic or gambling addict can disguise their habits so nobody is the wiser, save for maybe their closest family and friends. But regaining all the weight you've lost is like a long, drawn out torture - like being sentenced to the stocks in the town square - a public spectacle. You'd think that having that experience even just once would be enough to make you "scared straight". But, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Anyhow, sorry for the ramble but know I'm right there with you, struggling to find the answers that work for me and trying to stay afloat while I'm at it. Hang in there!
2013년 05월 4일 작성이: evelyn64
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I get so pissed off with mags, tabloid type shows etc telling us the 'new' fad diet. yes some of it makes sense however it's balance in all things. Unless we grow our own organic veggies, fruit, made bread from organic flour etc we will have to put up with preservatives in our food.
reading labels helps. I remember back in the 80s avocados were a no-go as they were 'fattening', my Mum still won't it them. Well, they are great as they are filled with good fats.
Low-fat, no-fat foods might be lower in fat but they up the sugar to suck us in. I prefer to eat some full fat foods as they taste better, ie yoghurt but will drink skim milk. I maybe lactose intolerant so now have lactose-free milk or soy. Also maybe frustose intolerant but seeing a dietician. Had a colonscopy and have to see surgeon Tuesday for results.
Like you say, unless you have an intolerance to gluten it's not worth avoiding it as it's in lots of stuff. Have you tried high grainy breads, better for you and more filling.
There's a saying about 'the more processed or white the food, the closer you are to death'. It rhymes so will have to ask Mum.
Well, I didn;t sleep much and are tired. Going to have a protein shake for brekkie cause I have a headache and need fluid.
2013년 05월 4일 작성이: elk2804
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You should write a book. I find I can relate to so many of the problems you discuss and you do it in a funny and insightful way.
2013년 05월 5일 작성이: fatoldlady
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Great journal Bella!! This food thing is just way too much to think about sometimes. lol So most times I choose not to... It can drive you crazy and I am already there...lol Moderation is my motto now. Exercise, moderation and most of all patience...hard to do sometimes but it really works...and the people...who cares what they think..lol Most times they all have their own issues to deal with and we make them matter more than they really do. It is us we have to work on..no one elses opinion really matters in the long run. We have to please ourselves.. Happy Sunday!!
2013년 05월 5일 작성이: chattycathy1955
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Bella you rehashed a lot of what I was feeling since last Friday when I went out to lunch and used a small piece of bread to get my much needed butter fix. All weekend was an issue because I was really hungry and couldn't get satisfied - I even ate 2 bars of my favorite chocolate - which I had not done for almost a month until last weekend. But I did learn that I believe the dark chocolate was the culprit of my bathroom issues. I have not had oatmeal since last October - thanks for reminding me why I don't bother. My eggs, bacon, 1/2 oz of cheese and 2 ounces of blueberries holds me much longer. I have switched from peanut butter to almond butter and like it much better. I'm so glad you chose to write this journal today to get me thinking again AS USUAL. :)
2013년 05월 6일 작성이: Neptunebch
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Thank you all. Yeah, by last Saturday I'd definitely slid off the sanity rail. I felt better on Sunday and journaled about it today. I really think it is best for me to just give in and get something into the journal and get some feedback rather than turning it over and over in my head as I did for several days last week. It's as if it's a mental purging yielding a much needed emotional cleanse. Following that journal I went to dinner with my friend and ate very mindfully. I was very hungry as I'd not had lunch and it was fabulous. I can't remember what it's called but it was a 'stew' of shrimp, mussels, mushrooms, tilapia and asparagus. Very healthy and I brought 1/2 of it home to analyze and try to recreate in my own kitchen. Sunday morning I started pulling out food for Breakfast and decided to chop some tomato, cucumber and onion to make a 'salad' but without the vinegar or oil ~ and then had it for breakfast instead of waiting. Those were the best two meals I'd had in weeks.. and I really feel it was because I'd asked for help, and you all gave it. Thank you so much.
2013년 05월 6일 작성이: FullaBella
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sounds great. I find it is very much a mental and emotional struggle all this food stuff. It takes time and doesn't change over night
2013년 05월 6일 작성이: elk2804
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