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Over the past few months of 'this' journey I've reflected how when I'm pursuing a healthy intake of food I am less likely to let people push me around. I have been dancing around with theories of confidence and strength but never could quite 'settle' with that being the 'ah ha' of it all. I'm a confessed introvert but by no means a pushover. Regardless of scale, I've always carried a pretty high opinion of myself. So what gives?
The epiphany: crap is crap regardless of the vehicle. When I'm choosing to not put junk food in my mouth, I chose not to let junk into my emotions. As I won't sit quietly while someone serves up fried fast food to me, nor will I sit idle as someone serves up negative criticism.
Clean & serene is the motto for all that I will take into my body, mouth, mind and soul.
Now I just need to find more eloquent ways of reinforcing that to my servers. As I journaled of my less than gracious reaction to the chocolate dipped strawberries my step daughter gave me for Valentines day... I'm still not quite there. Today was another example of my need to continue taking a deep breath, doing an emotional inventory, and approaching my intake and refuse the processed junk with intention and attention.
The better phrasing of my reaction this morning would read:
'My darling husband ... of all people and things in my life, surely by now you realize you are the most important. Your opinion of me weighs so very heavily into my opinion of myself and therefore may place far too much emphasis on your responsibility of being my partner not my critic. For that, I apologize. However, I endure enough criticism and negativity from the rest of the world on a daily basis. I need you to be in my corner, not on the opposite side of the ring. If I remember this correctly, I believe our vows of marriage included 'for better or worse.' It seems to me that your opinion of my 'better' is fleeting while your recall of my 'worse' seems never ending. Barbra Streisand sang 'what's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget.' Why can't you? Why must you continue to dwell on the less than stellar 'thing' I may have done 5, 10, 15 years ago? Why is my 'good job, babe' reviews have a 24 hour shelf life but my 'what a screw up you were' moments defy the statute of limitations? Please, for the sake of my sanity and our marriage, please have a little mercy on me. I'm human. I screw up. I have feelings.'
However, what I said was:
'F*ck you. I don't need my day to start with your criticism.'
So naturally, he's sitting in his recliner swelled up like a frog with mumps refusing to even look at me or acknowledge my conversation with anything beyond a monosyllabic grunt. And of course, my expected reaction is to go in, apologize, and explain.
I just don't feel like it right now. While I can work on a more gracious refusal of junk in my life, I can't stop it if I continue to cruise by the drive in window over and over. Sometimes, we just need a make-over all together.
As always, thank you for reading.
Bella
다이어트 캘린더 보기, 2013년 04월 4일:
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990 kcal
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지방: 53.28g | 단백질: 84.43g | 탄수화물: 45.39g.
아침 식사: Onions, Bacon, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Tomatoes, Gouda Cheese, Bell Peppers, Baby Spinach. 점심 식사: Pork with Chili and Tomatoes (Mixture) (Puerco Con Chile). 저녁 식사: Roast Beef, Libby's Crispy Sauerkraut, Napoleon Smoked Oysters. 간식/기타: Spectrum Organic Ground Flaxseed, Spectrum Chia Seeds, Cottage Cheese. 더보기
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