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And so begins my first full day of mindful intuitive eating without the food diary training wheels. For now they're leaning over against the kitchen wall in the event I need to look something up that I haven't eaten a thousand times over the past six months. Seriously, do I really need to keep logging the 100 or so calories of peppers, onions & spinach? I say... not right now.
I was thinking about that RDI pie chart and my rebellion when I do join a challenge. I remember an invite once challenging participants to consume 'less than 20% fat for the day'. Seemed interesting especially during the holidays until someone offered a tip that if you were over your fat percentage for the day a bowl of frosted mini wheats would even things out. Seriously? Take in processed carbs and sugar just to lower the fat percentage? No, thank you. Seemed a bit conflicting to me.
But recently I caught myself several times when I had calorie deficit for the day wondering what I could eat, even though not hungry, just to level out the chart. All because I'd listed a challenge goal to balance fat and protein both to 35% for the day. Yet another reason I needed to stop playing with the diary for a while; I was literally trying to cook the books just balance the colors of the pie chart. What's next, a Ponzi scheme? I was close. I would log higher portions than I was eating just to 'cover my bases'. Crazy.
Yesterday I'd logged in about 600 calories into the diary when I decided to make this leap of faith. Dinner was a salad of chopped chicken thigh with spinach, celery, onion, olives and mushrooms. Lemon juice for the dressing so I estimate 400 calories plus another 100 for a grapefruit later in the evening.
Without seeing the hard number in front of me I estimate I was about 800 calories under what I set as the limit I try to not exceed on average. Absent 'that' fact staring me in the face I wasn't lingering in the kitchen & pantry before bed trying to find things to eat just because I could.
However, the salad and grapefruit didn't stick around all night; I woke hungry at 1am and couldn't go back to sleep even after drinking 1/2 liter of water. Eventually I had a little chicken and a slice of bread. Finally got back to sleep about 3:30; up at 5:30 thanks to the half liter of water.
Point? I don't know. Guess I'm just trying to be aware of it for now. If I find my sleep interrupted too many nights in a row I will reconsider the peanut butter or pistachios before bed. Sleep is very important to me.
Other than that I think I may go put a small pot of red beans on to simmer; I could swear I was smelling those in my sleep last night (probably what woke me hungry) as well as the other day.
Beans are one of those conflicting foods for me - good for you but much greater caloric density than spinach or onions and always flabbergasts me when I log in a cup on the old food diary. Maybe that's why I imagined them in my sleep - my subconscious was saying 'time to make peace with the beans too, Bella.' Breakfast was sausage, egg, spinach, onion & peppers - I'm mentally giving it 500 calories. Beans with onion & tomatoes would be another 400; 700 if I add in some ground beef.
Part of the argument about doing this yesterday was the threat of regaining weight. I gave a LOT of thought to this throughout the day and I'm confident that as long as I continue to eat mostly fresh food in the way I've been preparing it I should be fine. The traps I fell into that took me back up the scale HAD to be fast food, junk food, binge eating, too much alcohol, and too many sodas.
So my food diary may look odd to voyeurs if I start recording any TRAP foods I may lull myself into having under a false sense of security just to remind myself how they add up.
It HAS to be THAT otherwise how did I always manage to regain the same 120lb+ in the same time frame and just HOLD it there for so many years until I decided to try to take it off again. I refuse to accept that anything I'm eating now in the way I'm eating it would lead to a weight gain. I just refuse.
And so it is written, and so it shall be, LOL.
Thank you for reading.
Bella
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I fully subscribe to the idea that we can lose weight without counting and measuring everything. I mean, most of us here have been on dozens of diets throughout our lives and I'm certain that we have gained intuitive knowledge that we should learn to trust. I think you'll do fine as long as you keep vigilant, aware and conscious of what you are doing.
2013년 06월 4일 작성이: evelyn64
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I'm continuing training wheel-less too, my friend, & hoping it's steadying us both... maybe we need a bicycle built for 2 :)! xoxox
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Hey girl..I have been eating the same way for awhile now..I was counting points but like you I have learned how many they are by now..it in doubt I will look it up..Even DH knows what some things are in the same way..so we kinda keepit straight..Like you I stay away from the things that made me gain..or maybe have it once in awhile..like I love those nutty buddy cones..so once every blue moon I'll have one..LOL..You can do it girl..you have learned sooo much this go around..and so have I..Keep smiling...:O)
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I think you are on the right track when you say that as long as you to stick to 'food' you will be okay. You got into trouble eating crap and drinking, like the rest of us so if you stay away from the junk food and the alochol and sugar drinks and try running without the training wheels, I think within a week or two you should know whether this is working or not. I would try to stop thinking so much about this, and try just being with it. You are eating wonderful fresh healthy food cooked in a healthy way. And your snacks seem healthy too. I think if you listen and honour your hunger you will be fine. You know yourself well enough now, having done this two or three or more times (like the rest of us) and this time you have done it differently. So trust your instincts, as you are doing, and just try to enjoy the good wholesome food and good wholesome snacks and let the chips fall where they may. Perhaps check the scale every other day to see how things are going and if you see the scale going in the wrong direction, well perhaps its time to scale back a bit on portions. Keep us posted of course we are very interested :)
2013년 06월 5일 작성이: sarahsmum
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Hi Bella, I've been off the journal for a few days now but have just caught up with you. And, again, I'm so happy for you! You have insipired me and encouraged me every step of YOUR way. Thank you for "going deep" and surfacing some new perspectives. You've given me more "grist for the mill" of my own journey. I won't even try to offer any answers - as they are YOUR questions, you will find YOUR answers - of that I am 100% convinced. Keep it up, dear friend, for you are (not you will) truly finding your way. Keep asking the questions, the answers will come. Love & light - Ce
2013년 06월 5일 작성이: Sweet Ce
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I think this is a big breakthrough for you Bella-you really have retrained your mind to desire better intake choices, in appropriate quantities. So let it happen and see how it goes. I know you keep thinking that you've traveled this path before, but really I don't think you have. I think in the past you've taken the route straight through the middle of town, the one that gets you directly through but not by the most pleasant and safest route, you were just traveling to get there. Now you're using the more pleasing bypass road around the big stinking greedy city, and you choose your route more carefully, and you're enjoying the destination that you've gotten to and have enjoyed the journey to get there. I really do think that your methods in the past are what make you think now that you will fail, but those methods were all about punishing yourself for gaining weight. This one has not been about punishment, this has been about self-nurturing and pleasing the mind and palate, and nourishing the body. This has been all about gratification (for the most part, I mean, sometimes you just gotta have that "something"). But it really stands out, from my perspective, that the punishing, mean, strict, deprivation based methods of losing weight were not the ones you used this time, and I think THAT will be what makes this journey different from the others.
2013년 06월 5일 작성이: CollyMP
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You know, Evelyn, every time before I thought I had that down pat too - low cal / low fat and I should be fine - but that's when I'd eat an entire bag of chinese crackers because they were 'fat free'. Duh. I PRAY the portion and mindful eating on healthy food will last. ANGEL - yep, a tandem bike on your newly constructed highway. BREN - Love those nutty buddy cones - can't remember last time I had one so I bet they'd taste different now so I'll just leave that as a fond memory. ISABEL - I'm probably going to weigh weekly now (I'd gone to monthly) or I may just go by my clothes; my weight fluctuates too much day to day and I'd be freaking out. CE - thank you, yeah, questions, I'm fullathem. COLLY - love your analogy and such nice encouragement. Thank you.
2013년 06월 5일 작성이: FullaBella
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